An Open Letter to E-mail Abusers Around the World

Dear E-mail Abuser,

I must admit I LOVE your messages.  

I get butterflies when I see your incoming notifications.

Come to think of it, I LOVE even the THOUGHT of your e-mail...

I love it, I love it, I love it!

In fact, I wish more strangers would send me email; that I could be added to more commercial email distribution lists.

I need more people e-mailing to ask me if I want to own my own internet business, and urging me to take advantage of five percent off all future purchases by applying for a store credit card.

Do you know how can I get more people to send me information about getting a GREAT deal on my next 5-year supply of fat-burning pills?

Hair-loss treatments?

Male enhancement formulas?

Photo by mcglinch

Photo by mcglinch

I LOVE being added to your forwarding list for political jokes I don’t fully understand...

and it’s true…

I truly, madly, deeply want more people to know, and be committed to, their personal health and prosperity. 

That’s right - so when you forward me that chain email letter, for fear of death, I’ll forward it to at least five of my closest friends per your instruction, so THEY can find it in THEIR inbox, and NOT DIE too. 

Oh, and being a Christian who loves email...

...make sure you forward ANYTHING spiritual you can haphazardly pull together.

Then, guilt me into forwarding it to at least seven people RIGHT NOW, because even if your message didn’t resonate with me, I fear God will be disappointed in me if I don’t stand up, be bold, and SPAM my friends and family.

** For bonus points and if it just doesn’t seem to synch in with me, add a bunch of stock photos of clouds, fields and mountains, and an instrumental-only song that plays when I open it ***

 

So if you work in the office with me...

blog_160202_office-space.jpg

You’re expected to CC me on work email that has absolutely nothing to do with my job, just so I can be in the loop.

This is imperative so I can be prepared, in case you happen to roll into my cubicle and ask me if I saw that message you copied me on 30 seconds ago.

I know you only sit 15-feet away from me, but talking is hard...

Send it anyway.

 

I would like you to always send me your three seconds of gratitude in a one-word email message:

“thanks” 

This way, I know with absolute certainty that you appreciate the heartfelt message I spent 54 minutes crafting over email (1/7th of my day, that is). 

When I receive it, I'll light up!  

I'll also capitalize on the opportunity to prove to you that I’m a really good guy, and that I received your thanks...

I'll do this by sending you my own warm, comforting, two seconds worth of personal gratitude, in the form of a two-letter email reply:

“np”

That means “no problem,” in case you’re wondering (yes, so hip to the hip talk, I know)

It’s also a little smokescreen I use to make you think I’m too busy to write out the words “no problem.”

 

On office reports...

If you’re working on a report, just go ahead and copy the entire floor.  

If I have a question about your numbers, I’ll make sure to “reply to all,” because if the floor is anything like me, they must have the same question I do, but even if they don't it’s ok - they love e-mail too!

Make sure the question is answered over 10 to 12 one-sentence messages, until the content no longer reflects the subject line. 

Co-workers like to be challenged to pay attention to detail…

so embed a critical deadline in the back and forth, reply-to-all one-sentence messages, and make no reference to it. 

Hey, if their late their late, it's not MY problem...

They should've read their e-mail.

 

Why do we love all this? 

We don't have a choice!

Distractions don't take time off…pings, push notifications, incoming messages…they keep coming.

The more I click “send,” the more I receive…

the more LOVE that gets spread around…and the more COMPLETE I feel.  

Ok, that was a bit much.

 

The truth is...

your e-mails suck and I won’t stand for it anymore.

The more of your messages I receive, the more needles I want to shove in my eyes.

At least then, I wouldn’t be responsible for reading your nonsense.

This abuse needs to stop.

It's time to be courteous of our time.

It's time to stop clicking send. 

There are other alternatives - it doesn't have to be this way.

This e-mail epidemic is costing our businesses millions.  The resulting inefficiencies are causing us to shut down.

Is this lack of discipline with our inbox really worth it?

 

Please stop being lazy; please stop trying to push your responsibilities to someone else so you can tellyour boss you're waiting for us to respond. 

Find another way to communicate your message.

Take the time to create a meaningful relationship.

Get something done.

 

Very truly yours,

Nicholas Snapp

P.S. This isn’t over…we're fighting back you know.

 

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